Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

My name is Albert and I’m the president of the local Short Term Car Insurance Club. I’m sure you’ve heard of me before. I’m probably most famous for stating that the wars around the world are due to the lack of short term car insurance for everyone. I have created quite a stir over the years and may be the world’s most wanted man.

It seems like I’ve ruffled the feathers of the long term car insurance mafia. There’s nothing that makes me angrier than these ill-informed thugs. Not only will they ignore the virtues of short term car insurance, they will destroy anyone who disagrees with them. Many people don’t understand the influence these bad people have on society, from selling unneeded long term insurance to cutting the throats of short term agents. This feud has been going on for decades and is still escalating.

When I addressed the Society of Short Term Car Insurance Brokers in Stockholm, I found myself in real danger from underground long-term punks. They had infiltrated my speaking engagement and posed as short-timers, sitting quietly in the audience. When my speech was over, one long-term goon tried to set his shoe on fire. A short-timer sitting nearby rushed the fiend and extinguished the flame. The police were sure he had a shoe bomb, but it turned out he just wanted to set his shoe on fire and planned to run up and kick me with his fiery Doc Martens. Not only are long term enthusiasts fanatical, they’re as bright as a pile of bricks.

The biggest problem with the long-termers is their influence over the politicians. Once we had an election to vote on long term or short term car insurance for all. The short term votes were over 3 million and the long term votes were 12. The politicians stepped in and declared the voting illegal and pronounced long term insurance as the winner. People rioted for seven days and seven nights, but the paid-off politicians wouldn’t budge.

Many of the politicians involved in the unfair insurance decision have gone missing and the rest have been found dead with short term car insurance policies sticking out of their mouths. One official said that supporters of short term car insurance were the reason for the world-wide economic problems and should be hung by their thumbs. The official was found the next day, hanging from a tree by his neck. His thumbs had been cut off and glued to his head like horns.

There seems to be no end in sight for the bloody insurance wars. People are advised to stay indoors and keep their policies locked in a secure location.