Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

I was recently hired by a local newspaper to investigate the value of short term car insurance. The assignment called for me to put myself in different driving situations and report on the importance of short term car insurance. I drank a pint of homemade moonshine and got started.

My first test was to get into an accident on purpose and see if the insurance company paid for the damages. To make sure it appeared like a real life scenario, I went to the pub and bought drinks for everyone in the house. I did this for 3 hours and took three of my drinking partners out for a drive. I dared my friend in the passenger seat to cover my eyes while I drove. He did as I asked and we crashed head first into a street sign. The police arrived and locked us all up.

When I awoke the next morning, my head hurt from my hangover and I had a scrape on my knee. The guard came and let me out to see the magistrates. I explained that I was conducting an experiment about short term car insurance and they let me go without charges. I drove to see my insurance agent and told him about the accident. He called me an idiot, but said my insurance would indeed cover the accident.

My next test consisted of drinking all day and then ploughing my car into the library. Although no children were injured, I did create a lot of damage to the building and many adults died. Again, I made a visit to the insurance man and found out that I was completely covered for this accident as well. The agent called me an idiot once more and told me to get out of his office.

For my grand finale, I drank for three days straight and loaded my shotgun. I placed the gun in my car and drove down High Street shooting at pedestrians and slamming the car into anything that moved. After fifteen minutes of pure mayhem, the cops pulled me over and handcuffed me to a light post. They left me there until the next day when I appeared before the magistrates again. I told them about my literary assignment for the second time and they let me go free.

I went straight to the insurance office to see if my short term car insurance would come through for me again. The agent said the policy doesn’t cover me if I shoot people in the face with a shotgun. He also informed me that my insurance had been cancelled and said he never wanted to see me again.

I wrote the article for the newspaper, explaining the different driving tests I performed to test my insurance policy. It created quite a stir when readers realized they weren’t covered when shooting people in the face while driving.