Dear Pauline: My wife has become obsessed by our Japanese pot-bellied pig, which she has named Choochikins. It sits in my favourite armchair, has taken my place at the dinner table and now my wife has suggested that we take it on holiday with us. However, I have already arranged to take my pet bull terrier Butch which bites Choochikins regularly and, as a result, gets dreadful indigestion. The vet, Mr Chandler, has prescribed some antacids for him but these contain barbiturates and since my wife is addicted to these I cannot trust her to administer them to Butch. My personal secretary, Fifi, with whom I am having an affair, thinks that Mr Chandler is secretly trying to poison Butch because he is a closet homosexual (Mr Chandler that is, not Butch) and is attracted to me in an unnatural way and although I feel flattered I prefer his assistant Mike, who completely ignores me because he prefers Stephen, who is my best friend and also Fifi's husband. Do I have grounds for divorce? If so, would I have custody of Butch?

Pauline answers: No. Then again .... yes. Maybe.

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Dear Pauline: I am desperate and you are my last hope. I have just discovered that my husband who is 65 is having an affair with a 22nd year old girl who is blond and beautiful with a college education. What can I do to get him back?

Pauline answers: My husband's brother David also had a college education but it was completely wasted because he ended up raising chickens until he met Debbie who's father Maurice had a grocery store in Tallahassee where my friend Maureen swore by his pickled beetroots. Personally I find that they give me wind but Debbie's friend Owen who trained as a pharmacologist told me that boiled sprouts are much worse.

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