Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

When people walk up to me on the street, they tell me how good looking I am. I know I’m a very good looking man and I know women can’t resist me. I’ve had very famous movie starlets tell me I should become a leading man in Hollywood because I am better looking than any other actor on earth. I just smile, knowing they are merely trying to lure me to their love nest to make passionate “whoopee” all night. That’s the problem with world class beauties – they just want to take advantage of my great looks and superior lovemaking techniques.

I take more pride in my interest in short term car insurance. Short term car insurance is what really turns me on and I can’t get enough of it. I may be a short term car insurance addict. I compulsively read about short term car insurance and I even make calls to various insurance agents in the middle of the night, just to hear their voice. I hang up after a while and call another.

My ex-girlfriend left me one day, saying she thought I liked insurance more than I liked her. I told her I like insurance MUCH better than I like her, but that she was a distant second, which is pretty nice, I think. She didn’t fall for my wooing and left me for good. I have stayed single since her departure and find I don’t need a lovely sex-kitten beside me in bed as long as I have an insurance policy to read. The details of each line are like music to my ears, as I read the different clauses aloud to myself. Wait a second; I’ve got myself all worked up. Ok, I’m better now.

Yes, I care about insurance the way a new mother cares for her first baby. I hold a policy in my muscular arms and caress its little folds. I read to it and lay it by my side as I sleep. I admit that I have put a nappy on a policy or two. Who hasn’t? My love for insurance is unwavering and I’m proud to be the type of guy that cares so much about the little things in life.

If I had to describe my perfect day, it would consist of a trip to the shore, a bottle of wine and an insurance policy. Feeling the sun on my face, alcohol in my blood and excess clauses at my fingertips really makes me feel alive and free.