Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

As I started my journey across the desert, there was only one thing on my mind. No, I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about short term car insurance. Short term car insurance is the only thing that would have me trek across the arid plains to the nearest Internet access point without water, food or alcohol. Well, I did have a gallon of gin, but that’s all I had.

The temperature on the desert floor was hot enough to melt the soles off my cheap boots and walking barefoot across the sandy terrain was giving me a terrible headache. It was also blistering my feet quite badly and I had to alternate between walking on my feet and walking on my hands in order to make good time. Luckily, I used to be known as “Harry the Handwalker” in the army and I’m as comfortable walking upside down as I am right side up.

After three days in the sweltering desert heat, I was running low on gin and I had already eaten my clothes. I found it interesting that my underwear tasted like chicken. Well, rotten chicken. It seemed like I might die out in the middle of nowhere and my body would be eaten by vultures. This turned out to be a needless worry.

I noticed a figure in the distance. I walked on my hands nearer and was relieved to find it was a mermaid, sitting on a rock. This made me very happy because I was beginning to fear it was a mirage. The mermaid introduced herself as Gary and began feeding me custard pie and french-fries. The fries were great, but the pie was bland and served too cold. I mentioned this to Gary and she seemed sad. I felt bad that I hurt Gary’s feelings and asked her if she would like some gin. She took the bottle and drank the remaining contents in one big gulp.

The gin seemed to make Gary tipsy and she started flirting with me. I have nothing against mermaids, but I am picky about hair colour and since she was a platinum blond, I wanted nothing to do with her. This saddened Gary even more and she began to cry. I tried to comfort her, but it was hopeless.

Gary said she had read my mind a few days ago and had brought a policy of short term car insurance for me to enjoy. How could she know I wanted short term car insurance? This news made me happy and I told Gary I would marry her if she dyed her hair orange. She thought about it for a while and finally agreed.

We had a beautiful ceremony under the desert stars and we lived happily ever after.