Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

My wife was in the delivery-room for several hours when she turned and asked me if I remembered to get the short term car insurance. I had forgotten to buy the short term car insurance and now we would not be able to bring the baby home after delivery. She was quite upset and started calling out my name whenever she had contractions. She would scream out terrible things and then attach my name to the end of each sentence.

I did everything in my power to calm her down. We would bring the baby home someday, I assured her. Until I was able to get some temporary car insurance, we’d just let the hospital raise the child for us. I trust doctors and nurses and I’m sure they would do a wonderful job of instilling moral values and set good disciplinary guidelines. This made my wife even more furious and she swore she was going to do terrible things to me when she was done delivering the baby. I just smiled supportively and nodded.

The baby was taking its sweet time coming out, so I told my wife I was going to go to the pub for a few hours while she took care of things at the hospital. She called me a name I had never heard before, so I turned and left. I knew she was just being emotional because of the hormones.

After about my 8th glass of beer, I sat at the pub wondering if I could get short term car insurance at this late hour. I told the bartender what was going on and he let me use his computer to search for a policy. I type “short term car insurance” into the computer and a number of choices appeared. I clicked on the first one and it sent me to an easy application page that I filled out. Within seconds, I was insured and ready to bring the baby home!

After 6 or 7 more beers, I returned to the hospital; just in time to see the birth of my first child. He had a full head of bright red hair and a little moustache. When my wife looked up and saw that I had returned, she started cursing at me again. I held out the new policy that I had printed out at the tavern and she calmed down. We decide to name our new son Qwertyuiop. We both agreed it would be an easy name for the boy to type when he got older.

After the three of us returned home, Qwertyuiop fell right to sleep and I asked my wife if she would rub my feet. I had experienced a stressful day and I needed to be pampered a little. She started again with her cursing, so I went back to the pub. .