Dear Pauline ......
I started my new job last week as a short term car
insurance salesman. The position is one of great honour and I take every
potential client seriously. I knew when I took the job that I would have
to be smart in order to survive. The field is filled with superstar
salespeople of the highest calibre. When I was growing up, a child
either wanted to be the Prime Minister, a doctor or a short term car
insurance salesman. I hit the jackpot.
One of the most important aspects of being a short term car insurance
salesman is focusing on a particular demographic and creating a monopoly
of sorts within the chosen group. I chose to concentrate on strippers as
my clientele of choice. Strippers are keenly aware of the benefits I
have to offer and appreciate the attractive pricing I provide them.
Most people can’t fathom having the work ethic necessary to sit in strip
clubs, day after day, night after night. It’s true that the long hours
and hard work can be tough on anyone, but I have a routine that allows
me to press on long after others would have faded. I’m not going to get
into details of my routine, but it involves vodka, non-prescription
drugs and lap dances.
Tina, one of my first clients, has referred a lot of her girlfriends to
me for their car insurance needs and I’m eternally grateful for her
help. It’s girls like Tina that make my job so fulfilling. Customers
know her as Ms. DDDD, but that really doesn’t do her justice. She’s more
than just a large cup size. She also has a bottom you could set a
After getting up in the morning, I go through a routine that gets me
ready for an exciting, sales-filled day. I start with a cup of strong
coffee, eat a bacon butty and swallow several Percocet. I then meditate
until the pills kick in and I’m off to work. My first stop is usually
the Pink Lady, located just off the High Street, near the big white
church. The doorman knows me and usually lets me in without a cover
charge. I always hand him my card and ask him if he is need of short
term car insurance. He never answers me; he just grunts and pushes me
through the door.
I usually order a “Pole Dancers Special” which consists of vodka, gin,
rum and buttermilk. I don’t know how it got its name, but it does make
me want to pole dance. The bouncer never lets me get on stage though, so
I go through my sales brochures and check the newest rates. I’m not
allowed to solicit customers, so I concentrate all my attention on the
naked girls performing on stage. After their dance set, I pay them for a
lap dance. While they wiggle around, I tell them the benefits of short
term car insurance.