Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

People say I don’t look a day over 100. I’m actually 133 years old and I continue to feel great. Many people (including my pesky great-great-great-great grandkids) think I shouldn’t be driving any longer. Nonsense, I say. I can drive just fine and look forward to the cross-country trips I make every year. Because I am 133, my friend recommended I get temporary car insurance, so in case I die, I won’t waste a regular policy and the all money that it costs. That was when I was 90. I have had temporary car insurance for the past 43 years.

Being mobile is everything to me. I enjoy going to the casino once a month for ‘Bingo and Spaghetti Night’ that is held the first Tuesday of every month. I won the big prize back in 1971 and now I’m hooked. I don’t really like being around all the people there because they seem so old and feeble. My 28 year old boyfriend won’t even go with me. He enjoys showing me off at all the hot night-clubs instead.

I’m not sure there is much future for my boyfriend Todd and myself. He doesn’t seem to have the energy I would like when it comes to the romance department. I think I might need a younger, more vital beau. Todd treats me well though and it would be hard to find a new date that has better looks. Once a fashion model for Top Gear, Todd now limits his work time to starring in major motion pictures.

All my friends died a long time ago and I find it hard to meet new girlfriends. It seems they are always hanging around with old men and Todd says he has nothing in common with any of them. Todd is an avid surfer and mountain-climber, while most of the women’s boyfriends or husbands have a hard time tying their shoes.

I’m looking forward to going on my cruise this summer. The ship hits all the popular ports along the Riviera and since I’m going solo, there should be a lot of action each night. I reserved a cabin with a porthole that looks out over the men’s fitness area. I figure that is where I’ll pick out prospective suitors for each evening. I love a man that works out and is tanned. Although I could be described as ‘ghostly white’, I enjoy the contrast of skin colours when they come together.

When I was a nun, I would have been ashamed to have such thoughts, but since retiring from the church at the age of 100, my mind has become quite creative in ways of the flesh. I think that God doesn’t care what you do after 100.