Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

I had just hung up the phone after buying some short term insurance for my car. It was a painless procedure to order. I just called my insurance man and told him I needed short term car insurance and I needed it fast! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move across the room. It was in the shadows, but I knew I saw movement. As I got up to walk over to the spot, I saw a flash of black running towards me. I was scared at first, but then calmed down when I realized it was just a two-headed baboon.

My neighbourhood was once over-run by the pests, but recent attempts to trap and relocate them to the forest had worked well. In fact, I hadn’t seen a two-headed baboon in almost a year. I grabbed the baboon by the throats (the way they like to be held) and calmed him down a bit. I could tell it was hungry, so I a cooked up a big batch of pancakes and fed him at the table. After eating three plates of pancakes, the two-headed baboon became calm and eventually fell asleep with his face in his plate. I could see the syrup in his hair.

I quietly went out side and retrieved a baboon cage from previous trappings. I set up the device in the kitchen and placed a bowl of ale in the far corner of the cage. As I let out a sharp whistle, the baboon came to life and again ran right at me. I grabbed him by the throat with one hand and pointed to the ale in the cage with my other. He saw the bowl and squirmed free of my grip and made a dash to the waiting ale. I walked over and closed the cage-door and went upstairs to take a nap.

When I awoke a couple of hours later, I remembered there was a two-headed baboon downstairs, so I grabbed a pair of socks and went off to take care of it. It’s common knowledge that two-headed baboons are terrified of socks. I walked up to the cage and pulled the socks from behind my back. The baboon fainted onto the floor of his enclosure. I knew he would be out for several hours, so I put the two-headed baboon in the back seat of my car and drove to the countryside. When I was deep in the forest and away from all civilization, I pulled over and dragged him out of the car and into the woods. He was still sleeping when I drove away.

You know, this is a perfect example of why someone needs temporary car insurance. Without temporary car insurance, I would have no way to take care of two-headed baboons or any two-headed creatures that might come into my house.