Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

Raising pot-bellied pigs has been my obsession since childhood. While my school mates went home after school to play with friends or attend their sporting events, I hurried home each day to care for the 35 pot-bellied pigs I kept in my small bedroom. The larger pigs would find their way to the comfort of my bed, but the little piglets would have to stay on the ground, usually lying on piles of my clothes. As I got older, I was able to make my hobby a full-time affair. My husband made good money, which allowed me to stay home and care for the pigs.

Most people wouldn’t enter my home because of the smell and the swarms of flies that filled the air. I didn’t care if I had visitors, as long as I could spend my time with the little squealing swine. My husband Rick didn’t seem to mind that the pigs had taken over the household. He just felt lucky to have a caring, living breathing woman in his life. You see Rick was raised by wolves in the hills of Bolivia and the conditions at home were much better than what he was used to while growing up.

I had first learned about temporary car insurance when I wanted to drive 15 or so pigs to the drive-in theatre. Babe was playing onscreen and I knew that the older, more mature swine would really appreciate the storyline and artistic presentation. In order to drive though, I would need some temporary car insurance.

The attendant at the drive-in theatre was reluctant to let me bring my friends into the show. At first he had wanted to charge each pig the child’s fare to enter. I had to lie and tell the attendant that the pigs were in the movie and it would be bad publicity for the theatre to bar the stars from a screening. The ploy worked and I drove my brood to a good spot near the front.

The pigs are very spoiled and started squealing for food as soon as I parked. I obliged and bought each pig a hotdog and beer. This quieted down the car greatly and soon everyone was watching the greatest pig movie ever made. The ending made even the alpha male weep and all the pigs agreed that Babe was probably the finest cinematic triumph ever achieved.

I wondered to myself if my temporary car insurance would cover a collision if the company learned there were 15 pigs crammed into the cab of my car. I concluded that it would. No one would discriminate against God’s greatest gift to man, and woman; the lovely pig. My temporary car insurance opened up the world to me and my ‘babies’ and we will always be forever grateful.