Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

When I first was elected President of the Pickle of the Month club, I have to admit I was somewhat arrogant to the other members. With over 25 members worldwide, I was king of them all. Of course, the other members didn’t like my arrogant behaviour and quickly informed me of it. I settled down to the task at hand, which is to promote the mighty pickle and enrol new members to the club. The first thing I had to do was get some temporary car insurance for the ‘Pickle-Mobile’. It was each President’s honour to drive the beautiful pickle shaped mini-van during their term and it was each President’s duty to be sure the vehicle was protected with temporary car insurance.

My first order of business was to start planning the annual Pickle Fest that the club puts on each year. This year, I am scheduling it for late August in Death Valley, Utah, America. It turns out there is no fee to put on a festival in the middle of the desert and I can reserve a thousand acres if I desire. The heat in Death Valley really helps the pickling process and it would be a good opportunity for members to try out new curing techniques.

If half of the members make it to the event, we’ll have around 12 of the leading experts in the pickle community, all in one large place. Of course the beer will be flowing in the desert climate and things could get wild after about 15 hours of drinking and pickling. It should be a blast.

If I had a pound for every type of pickle I’ve eaten in my career, I’d have a lot of pounds. Whether dill, sweet, gherkin or piccalilli, I’m considered one of the leading authorities in pickles today. I wonder why the press doesn’t call me more often to get an exclusive ‘scoop’ from the Pickle President? The press probably assumes that I’m too busy or too important to take the time to answer questions. The truth is, a big part of being President, is to make sure the public is made aware of the latest pickle news and breakthroughs. Just last year we issued a press release about the successful cloning of a rare dill/sweet pickle hybrid that one of our members created in his own bathtub. That news is still rocking the pickle circles.

If I were a betting man, I would give odds that this year will be a milestone for the Pickle of the Month Club. I have visions for the club’s future and if all goes well, I will go down as one of the most influential Presidents in the club’s history. I already have the temporary car insurance ordered and the Pickle Fest venue chosen. Let’s Party!