Problem Pages

Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.

 

Dear Pauline: Although I am a 35 year old man, tall,  good looking and wealthy I have several bad habits (I pick my nose in public, rarely wash and have appalling table manners) so as a result I have had no sexual experience whatsoever. What should I do?

Pauline answers:   If you cannot buy any locally, you may be able to get some from BargainVeg in the High Street, the ladies there are very helpful. If that doesn't work, have you thought of growing your own?

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Dear Pauline: I am a 40 year old unmarried female librarian and, I am proud to say, I have shunned the lusts of men all my life. I wish however to make the acquaintance of a gentleman, also unmarried, who like me is an ardent scholar of ancient Abyssinian texts. Unaccustomed as I am to the company of gentlemen I wish to make a good impression so I have invited him to take afternoon tea. However his mother, with whom he resides, has informed me that he is passionately fond of brown chickory but my local store refuses to stock it because of the odour.  Have you any suggestions?

Pauline answers: Don't take no for an answer girl! Sex is fun even at your advanced age. Turn the lights down low, wear your skimpiest nightdress (if anything at all), whip his pants off and let him know that he's still a real man. If all else fails, try Viagra.

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Dear Pauline: I accidentally spilt some white wine on my husband's silk tie. Have you any suggestions on how to remove it?

Pauline answers: For goodness sake pull yourself together! I am not surprised that you have no friends with such disgusting habits, and if you don't seek professional help immediately you are heading straight for the gutter!

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Dear Pauline: My husband and I are both aged over 85. We still make love together about once a month but although I would like to have relations much more frequently he has suggested that we should be giving it up, at our age. What do you think?

Pauline says: Try beating it until it's really stiff, then pour hot brandy sauce over it. Delicious!

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Dear Pauline: I have a very personal problem. My girlfriend (she is 23, I am 28) is a very attractive, sexy lady but just lately, particularly after a few drinks, my passions have cooled and I no longer wish to sleep with her, preferring instead to go to bed alone. What can I do?

Pauline says: Dip the affected item in tepid water with a little lemon juice added, squeezing it gently, then allow it to drip dry. On no account plunge it into hot water, the consequences could be catastrophic!

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Dear Pauline: My meringues are never very tasty. I never seem to get the mix quite right. Any suggestions?

Pauline answers:   Believe it or not, your problem is very common, and nothing at all to be ashamed of, no matter how inadequate you may feel. It is essential however that you see your physician as soon as possible to make sure that there is nothing physically wrong with you. At all costs, cut back on your drinking, and your sex life should soon be back to normal.

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Copyright Pickled Pauline Ponsonby-Smyth, 2012 All Rights Reserved