Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

I suppose I'm not exactly every woman's ideal man, being short, shifty, flatulent and the possessor of a few blackened teeth that would frighten a banshee but as assistant frier at the BargainBoozeN'Burgers store (motto : "Do you really want fries with that?") I meet a few women from time to time and one night Jennifer, a little worse for wear on our bargain line in cheap Venezuelan lager actually agreed to come out with me the following night! I have money in my pocket, a clean shirt, a full packet of mouth fresheners, but one big problem; no car.

Luckily my brother is the proud owner of a shiny new XK Jaguar which is completely wasted on him because he's already married so who does he need to impress? A quick phone call and a reminder about the threesome in Sheffield he told me about in an unguarded moment (his wife Sandra would just love to hear about it) and the keys were mine for the weekend. Next problem; what to do about car insurance? No worries, I've lived a short term life since I was born so buying short term car insurance was second nature to me.

Friday night I'm parked outside Jennifer's house honking the horn; she let me blast it three times just to show that she wasn't so desperate to see me but as she wobbled out on her high heels and saw the XK she looked as though she was about to faint with desire. After a few halves of lager at the Dog and Bucket she decided that a wedding in August would be ideal and she would like three kids, two girls and a boy. This was not really what I wanted to hear so I dropped her off making vague promises about the future but, hang on, I still have the keys until Monday.

Sunday sees me parked on the beach where a lovely lady suggested that I put suntan lotion on her back, and we made plans for an interesting evening later. I never realised that temporary car insurance, the sexiest product on Earth, could make me irresistible to women!