Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

Betty lived in her own little world that was located in her own little mind. She rarely left the house, but instead sat on the couch and ate chocolates. Of course, this made Betty a very large woman, but most knew her as the drunken woman with the beat up car. Although, she never drove after drinking, she often leaned against the sides of her car, causing massive indentations. Before she drove, she would call her insurance broker and get a short term car insurance policy. She fought often over short term car insurance, believing she should be able to get coverage for just hours at a time, rather than having to pay for entire days. Her broker didn’t like her much.

One day, Betty did the oddest thing. She announced that she had invented the greatest weight-loss cure of all time. She called the local radio station and announced she would be presenting her secret formula for the whole world to see. The next day, she drove to the mayor’s office where she would demonstrate her new discovery. A large crowd formed and waited impatiently as Betty hid in the bushes, hoping to really create a sense of excitement. She knew the longer the crowd waited, the more anxious they would become.

When it appeared the crowd was going to leave, Betty stepped from the bushes and held up a large glass container with a brown, gooey liquid inside. It became obvious that Betty had been drinking, as she stumbled her way to the stage. After directing the people to quiet down, Betty opened the jar and took a large swig. Then another. As the crowd watched intently, Betty proceeded to drink the entire jar for all to see. She placed the jar down on the podium and loudly abused the front row of spectators for wasting their money on yearly car insurance policies when short term insurance would be much cheaper for them.

It turned out that the magic diet drink was merely vodka and chocolate, mixed in a blender. The crowd became very agitated and some of the more overweight men in the back rushed towards the stage to punish the drunken idiot. Just as they were about to grab Betty, she abused them as well. She passed out moments later behind the microphone.

Her insurance broker was in the audience that day and vowed he would never issue short term car insurance to Betty again. Another man reminded the broker that everyone is entitled to short term car insurance if they want it and a fight ensued. When the dust settled, Betty went home and had a drink and some chocolates.