Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

I could tell it was going to be one of those days. I awoke worried that my short term car insurance was set to expire and I needed to drive from my London home across to a little town near Loch Ness before it did. I had no time to spare and I quickly packed my things and headed out the door. If I didn’t get to the courthouse to enter my not-guilty plea to the speeding charge before my short term car insurance was gone, I would be in a heap of trouble. It shouldn’t take more than 3 days to make the trek, but with any luck and possibly a tail-wind, 2 days would be possible.

As I turned onto the highway, I noticed the petrol tank was full and I wouldn’t need to stop for many hours. I punched the buttons on the radio, trying to locate some driving music. I didn’t find any, or so I tuned to a talk show and turned the volume all the way up. It sounded like screaming, but I left in on because it helped me stay alert. As I passed the other cars on the highway like they were standing still, I knew I was making good time.

When it became clear that I was ahead of schedule, I pulled off to eat lunch at a small village. It was like the residents had never seen a stranger before and watched my every move as I walked into the cafe. I sat at the counter and ordered my usual; 3 raw eggs, toast and a chocolate malted. The waitress said she had never received such an order before and I just had to laugh. I’ve eaten the same lunch all my life and I found it hard to believe I was the only one with such good taste. She brought my food out quickly and I was soon back on the highway, with my foot to the floor.

The sun was in my eyes as the afternoon approached. I didn’t have any sunglasses, so I had to improvise. At first, I unfolded a map I had in the glove compartment and laid it on my head for shade. It kept falling off into my lap, so I tried different ways to avoid the sunlight. I finally settled on just closing my eyes for brief periods and it was a relief to my eyes. The problem with this technique was staying in my lane with my eyes shut. At first it bothered me to open my eyes and see I was on the wrong side of the motorway, but eventually I grew accustomed to it.

As the night approached I was relieved to know that I would make my destination in time. My short term car insurance was still good for another 2 days and I could probably make it there and back twice more without buying another policy. Even when my short term car insurance expires, I could always renew it for another period for the full hearing next month. I'll just buy a day's worth this time, I haven't got money to burn.