Letters to the Editor

Problem Pages

True Stories **
** At least our editor swears that they're true. But he's a lying toerag.


Dear Pauline ......

September 24, 2012, a date that will never be forgotten. When the aliens started arriving at daybreak, there was a sense of disbelief throughout the town. We could see them with our own eyes, but the sight was too much to comprehend. As the saucers landed, one by one in the field over by the old water tower, and then proceed to drive down the road on their tiny wheels, people were unable to move from their front porches. It was as if the aliens had already controlled the minds of the resident population. It was, in fact, just pure fear that paralyzed the locals. Fear, mixed with concern. Did the aliens have short term car insurance or were they were a typical bunch of young, inexperienced and uninsured drivers? People around here don’t look too kindly when saucers land in their backyard and drive round the side roads without the protection of short term car insurance.

Once the last saucer had landed and completed yet another hour of screeching round the corners on two wheels with a ghetto blaster on maximum volume, doors opened from the vessels and tiny aliens poured out in numbers. It seemed there were thousands of little green men piling out of each one and soon the small town was like a living, moving green blob. The creatures roamed in all directions, eating paint off any wood surface they came across. Perhaps, a diet high in lead was needed to keep them alive? No one really knows, but we do know that the town was left without a drop of paint and every house was stripped of its protective coating.

Of course, this was the day that little Timmy Jones became a household name around the globe. If it hadn’t been for little Timmy’s quick mind and logical thinking, I wouldn’t be here to tell you about the alien encounter. As I’m sure you know (who doesn’t?) Timmy walked to the barn behind his home and returned with a can of paint-thinner. He poured the thinner into paper cups and handed them to all the neighbours. Timmy figured out that the opposite of paint is paint-thinner and the aliens would flee when they saw what he had.

After pouring out the last cup, Timmy walked towards the alien mass. The aliens excitedly shuffled toward Timmy, apparently to kill the young lad, or at least probe him with medical devices. When the crowd of green pests were almost upon him, Timmy threw his cup of paint-thinner at them. Any alien that came into contact with the thinner melted like a candle in a microwave. The neighbours cheered and ran to join Timmy, splashing the deadly liquid onto all the little green paint eaters.

Surveying the scene the next day, I found only green puddles of goo scattered across the field. I accidentally found that urinating on the puddle would make it disappear completely. With help from my drinking mates, we made all the puddles disappear in no time.

No short term car insurance policy was ever found at the scene. This upset the mayor who sold short term car insurance in his spare time.